We’ve all had that moment when our teens look at us like we’re aliens. We’re the ones setting rules and holding them accountable, so they have a hard time believing that we used to be in their shoes. Otherwise, we would totally see it their way, right?

Right. And wrong. We remember the confusion, peer pressure and difficult choices we faced as teens – which is exactly why we set rules and hold our kids accountable. We want to guide them toward what’s best for them and help them avoid some of the mistakes that we made, even if they don’t always understand it.

But letting teens know that we give them reminders, curfews and lectures because we know what it’s like to be a teen is the first step in building a bridge of mutual understanding. Letting them know that we are, believe it or not, from the same planet lets them know that we’re here to support them and listen if they want to talk and, most importantly, that we’re on their team.

Here are some tips for working with your teen rather than against them:

Give your teen a little leash.

Basing rules on the tendency to expect the worst communicates to your teen that you don’t trust him or her. Instead, set rules based on reasonable timelines, responsibilities and school or family commitments.

If your teenage son completes all his chores and is keeping up with his schoolwork, allow him to spend a little extra time with his friends. If your daughter wants to see a movie but says she’ll be home in time for a family dinner, why not let her go? Rewarding teens with positive reinforcement shows them that good behaviors reap good results, and sends the message that they have some control over their freedom if they opt to follow the rules.

So give your teen the opportunity to prove that they’re trustworthy and able to meet expectations, and they just might pleasantly surprise you.

Be clear about limits, expectations and consequences.

It often seems like adults and teens speak different languages, so make sure you are clear and consistent about what is okay and what isn’t. If you change the rules, your teen won’t think you’re serious about them and will be more tempted to test you by overstepping rules or curfews. It’s better to agree upon expectations with your teen and then stay committed to those expectations – if you’re sticking to the agreement, it’s easier to ask your teen to follow suit and do the same thing.

Also, make the effort to give your teenager a chance to express his or her thoughts when you discuss limits and consequences. Ask them what consequences they feel are reasonable if they break rules. If you’re rewarding them with a little more freedom, ask them whether they’d like a slightly later curfew or less time spent checking in when they aren’t home. This shows your son or daughter that you’re on the same team and that you value his or her opinion.

Pick your battles.

If your teenage daughter is excelling at her academics and dyes her hair pink, is it really worth it to make a fuss about that pink hair? It isn’t permanent and it likely won’t matter as much as her grades will in the grand scheme of things. The same goes for clothes you can’t stand or music that makes you run for the nearest set of earplugs.

Give your teen freedom to express himself or herself and develop a sense of individuality. It not only shows respect but it ensures that you both aren’t left worn out from constantly battling over the small things. Save the lectures and absolutely-not conversations for the big things like sex, alcohol and academics; don’t make the mistake of nagging your teen over every irksome habit they have.

Parenting teens isn’t easy – in fact, we’re often just as confused as they are. So make the effort to work with your teen, not against them… For more tips on parenting teens, click here.

July has been a busy month but I am doing what I love so it hardly feels like work. Sometimes, it feels strange to enjoy writing about troubled teens but I really do enjoy helping parents with their troubled teens.

Extreme Teenagers And Treatment

Part of why I do what I do is I feel it is really important to stress to parents is there is help available for their teen no matter how extreme their issues. Parents, schools for troubled teens exist because troubled teens exist. When your teen is out-of-control a therapeutic boarding school is the best place for troubled teens to be to receive help with their issues.

What Are Boot Camps

One of the questions I get asked a lot is, “Should I send my kid to boot camp?” However, I’ve come to realize most parents don’t understand what boot camp is. Many parents think their teens will receive extensive therapy while at boot camp. However, most boot camps are short-term and more “scare them straight,” then they are long-term residential treatment. Most troubled teens need a long-term placement to successfully manage their issues if they have any hope of meaningful rehabilitation.

Equine Therapy

One of the exciting alternatives to therapeutic boarding schools are programs which incorporate equine therapy. Horses are amazing creatures. It’s not a stretch to say they have magical healing powers. Not magic as an abracadabra but in that horses are able to reach troubled teens in ways even the best counselors cannot. When working with horses, troubled teens have to develop a level of trust and respect that they may not be ready to give to adults. Horses help even the hardest to troubled teen soften. Many parents do not realize equine therapy is a viable option for their troubled teen

All Parents Reached the End of Their Rope

As parents we want to be perfect. When we reach the point that we start to think sending our teen away is the right decision, we feel like a failure. It’s normal. Except the thing you need to understand, mom and dad, is your teen need the type of help that you just cannot provide. His issues are so deep and so serious that he needs special help. Let yourself off the hook just a little bit. One of the things I like to stress to parents is looking at boarding school as the right tool to correct their troubled teen’s issues.

Parents I cannot stress enough I am here to support you through this difficult time. I hope these articles offer you some hope and guidance.

When you are at the end of your rope with your troubled son, are you sitting there not knowing what to do next? Don’t worry mom and dad. It is actually really common for parents to reach that “Now what?” moment. You have not run out of options to help your troubled son. However, you do have some work to do to take the next best steps for your son.

The Parenting Trap

One of the biggest myths of parenting is: No one parent, or set of parents, is going to have every answer to every one of their kids’ problems. It is especially true for parents of troubled boys. If your son has reached the troubled stage it is likely because you do not have all the tools he needs. Guess what? It’s okay! Troubled boys need more help than most parents are equipped to give. It does not mean you have failed parenting. It does not even mean your son is too broken to be fixed. It just means he needs extra help. Getting through the ‘knowing he needs more’ stage is tough. It is an internal struggle for just about all parents. Unfortunately, some parents never make it through and their sons spiral farther and farther out of control. If this sounds familiar, tie a knot and hang on while you look around for the help your troubled teen boy needs.

Finding Help

Parents take a big deep breath. Your next steps for your troubled son are likely going to be the ones to give him the best chance at turning his life around. When you have exhausted all the local resources available it is time to investigate sending your son for residential treatment. Most parents opt for boarding school because it combines high quality education and intense therapy and structure. The thought of sending a troubled young man away can be difficult for some parents while others cannot wait to pack his bags. Both responses can lead to guilty feelings and it is perfectly natural to feel them. Just do not let those feelings stand in the way of doing what is best for your son’s issues. Do whatever you need to, to separate your feelings from the next best step for your son. Boarding school is not a parenting failure. Boarding school is a deeper, more intense level of help.

Boarding School As A Tool

Have you ever tried to fix or build something only to discover you didn’t have all the tools you needed? Parenting is just like that when boys reach the point they are called troubled. Boarding school is a parenting tool to help your son reach adulthood with all the skills he needs to navigate a complex world. Boarding schools create an environment which replicates the outside world but with the added supportive structure of full time rehabilitation services. From the head of the school to the dietary staff every person your son comes in contact with understand it is their mission to help guide your son through the maze of social, emotional, and academic struggles he is facing. Boarding school is a highly structured but highly supportive environment.

Raising boys is hard work. Raising boys who are not making the best choices is even harder. The most responsible choice you can make is to seek out the right help for your son. For many troubled teen boys, that right help is boarding school.

Almost everyone will agree that life is stressful, and when you’re the parent of a teen, the stress can exponentially increase. If your teen is struggling with acting out, mental health issues, substance abuse, violence or criminal behaviors, then you understandably have even more concerns. However, you can minimize some of those worries by dealing with your own stress.

Keeping Open Communication Lines

Ask your teen if he or she wants to grab a bite to eat or a fancy coffee drink. While they might reject your offer, at least they know that you are available. Keep mealtime free of distractions – no TV or other electronics that can limit conversations. Sometimes the subject of the conversation is not as important as the fact that some type of conversation is occurring. In some cases, outside help might be necessary to open up the lines of communication.

The Importance of Timing in Difficult Conversations

You can wait to discuss difficult topics until you are up to having the conversation so that you are in a better frame of mind. You will be less likely to react to your teen and will instead respond appropriately and calmly.

Find Common Interests

Talk to your child about something you both like. When you can discuss non-threatening topics, he or she might feel comfortable in discussing more sensitive topics.

Practical Solutions for Your Teen

The following practical tips can improve your relationship with your teen:

• Establish structure and a secure environment with some level of predictability.
• Limit screen time, including television, computer, video games and time on the phone.
• Encourage activities, such as musical involvement, clubs, teams, sports and exercise. Each one of these can go a long way toward boosting morale.
• Limit sugar and processed foods and work on eating right.
• Establish consistent bedtimes.
• Teens need extra sleep in order for their growing and changing bodies to function properly.

Practical Solutions for Parents

You will need to take care of your own personal needs so that you can effectively manage stress.

The following suggestions can help:

• Find a support group of other parents, either online or better yet, in person.
• Take time out for yourself each day.
• Meditate, pray, read, take a bubble bath or take a walk.
• Just make sure to do something that you enjoy.
• Exercise when you can even if it’s just for 20 minutes three times a week. A short work-out will boost your morale.
• Seek professional help if you find yourself spiraling downward into depression. ​Find someone that knows how to help you for more information. Remember that this situation is not permanent, and you will survive and even thrive.

Perhaps this is going to seem a little proud, but I really love what I do. Helping family’s through the teenage years, is so rewarding to me. When I was a teen I never imagined I would be a grown up writing for parents about the teenage years. Now that this is what I do I cannot imagine doing anything else.

Parenting is hard

From the moment that baby is put in your arms, you are expected to know everything, have perfect execution, and never make a mistake. Then life happens. Looking at your man- or woman-child while still seeing that innocent face and those wide eyes is a terrible transition. That baby has grown from being fully dependent on you to practically not wanting a single thing to do with you. It’s rough! Sometimes we get so caught in the snarling teenager moment that we forget to take a step back, realize we are dealing with a individual person, and try a different approach.

Knowing when to say when

The biggest lie of parenting is thinking we can handle it by ourselves. Whether we had the greatest parents in the world or the worst, the reality of parenting is we often times do not have all the right skills to give our teens what they need, so knowing when to seek help is important. It is also scary. Sometimes we don’t want to admit we don’t know what to do next. Parents who fail let their pride stand in the way of making one of the best parenting decisions around by asking for help. Successful parents know their own limits and when they start losing their grip on handling troubled teens, they seek help. There’s an African proverb, It takes a village to raise a child, and that is especially true with troubled teens. Get help. First for yourself and next for your teenager. It is going to be okay.

Think of it as a job

We always talk about how hard being a parent can be, but sometimes we forget to treat it like a job. At work if your boss handed you an assignment or project and you weren’t quite sure how to get it right you wouldn’t just plow through it and say, Oh well I tried. No way. You would be asking for help from the smartest most experienced people you could find. You would be reading technical manuals and even sometimes searching the web to understand what you just read. Parenting is just like that tough project except we all think we are expected to go it alone. If you wouldn’t treat the assignment from your boss like that they why are you treating your troubled teen like that?

Moms and dads I am here to help. Please feel free to reach out.